Dating can be a great experience. It's exciting to get to know a new person, and going to fun places and spending one-on-one time.
It is also the time your radar should be up. It needs to be on high alert so you can determine whether this person is of high quality and that they are who they present themselves to be.
It is a fact of human nature to be on our best behavior, to show our best side, and to charm when pursuing another person (courting). It's also a fact that a predator-minded people will be on their best behavior and very charming when pursuing their target, or victim.
Statistically, 85-93% of victimizations of women and children are by someone familiar to the victim. This means a friend, neighbor, co-worker, husband, boyfriend, etc. Every two minutes in the United States a sexual assault occurs – that is more than 280,000 victims a year. We tell you this not to put you in fear, but to get your attention.
The goal of our SafeU program is to use awareness and tools to identify the predator. We want you to be informed and educated, as well as in a position of strength and confidence -- not reactive.
By applying what we teach, at the very least, you can eliminate harmful people from your life, and at the most, deflect the very person who could end your life.
The following tips can help you weed out the potential deceiver:
• You can gauge the intentions of this new prospect by pre-determining your boundaries. It's like a test for your new date. Whether intentional or not, if your pre-determined boundaries are invaded, and you defend them by communicating the offense, a good person will respect the request. However, the ill intentioned person will keep trying and they will use many tools to try to get what they want -- which is control. It will all be disguised in a cloak of playfulness and charm, but it should be seen as the early signs of predatory behavior.
• Trust. We should never give our trust away just because of a smile or the impression of nice. Our trust must be earned. Trust is proven over time and by consistent action.
• Suggestions:
- Meet in populated areas.
- Let people know who you're meeting and where you're going.
- Have an exit strategy. If the date is not going well have a fake appointment or obligation (if it’s going well you can always “cancel” that “obligation”).
- Drive separately. Driving separately keeps you in control of where you go and when you leave.
• Stay focused. I have a 25-year-old friend. She had met someone new and was telling me she wanted to stay focused on getting to know his personality, etc. Her challenge was to not be side tracked by how attractive he was. She is a very wise young lady, but all too often it is easy to overlook the signs as to whether this person is good for us, or bad for us, just because we find them physically attractive.
• Take opportunities in social environments to observe the behavior of this new interest. Do they act differently in social situations than when you're alone with them? If so, you may want to keep the radar up and pay attention, it may be a red flag.
There are many signs and signals in someone's behavior that can identify whether they are dangerous or unhealthy for you. Let us know if you have any concerns.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
My Space / Face book
It’s school time again, and each year education techniques change. Our grade school children are learning subjects that used to be taught in junior high. It is now common place for our kids to use the computer and internet to research and complete home work.
As you well know, most children and many adults socialize through the internet. They are using sites like My Space and Face Book to communicate with their friends, and in some cases making friends on these sites.
Anyone who watches the news knows that predators will use whatever they can to find a victim. It is a fact that they search these social sites and put out the bait. Take precautions to avoid being the catch.
• Keep in mind anyone with an e-mail address can open a My Space or Face Book account. They can become anybody they want.
• Members or non-members can access the sites 24/7 to search and find anyone they want, regardless of age.
• Remember, the personal information you post on these sites gives anyone, including predators, insight about you.
Used appropriately and with parent monitoring, My Space and Face Book, as well as other social sites, can be a great virtual community. These sites allow for social outlet as well as an additional place to express ideas and thoughts.
To insure safety consider the following:
• Keep your child’s computer in a common area like the living room or kitchen.
• Do not post photos and personal information (addresses, last names, schools, etc.) on the front page. The public has access to that page, and public access to photos and info is a mistake.
• You can set the profile to private. This means only friends and family can access beyond the front page.
• As a rule, relationships on the internet should only be with people you already know (from school, church, clubs, work, family). At no point should a relationship be initiated and developed based on typed words. Make friends with people whose face you can see, whose voice you can hear, whose trust has been earned and proven over time.
Remember, for our children to be “Predator Proof” they must follow the rules we set for them; it is our job to make the decisions and use the discretion that will keep them safe.
As you well know, most children and many adults socialize through the internet. They are using sites like My Space and Face Book to communicate with their friends, and in some cases making friends on these sites.
Anyone who watches the news knows that predators will use whatever they can to find a victim. It is a fact that they search these social sites and put out the bait. Take precautions to avoid being the catch.
• Keep in mind anyone with an e-mail address can open a My Space or Face Book account. They can become anybody they want.
• Members or non-members can access the sites 24/7 to search and find anyone they want, regardless of age.
• Remember, the personal information you post on these sites gives anyone, including predators, insight about you.
Used appropriately and with parent monitoring, My Space and Face Book, as well as other social sites, can be a great virtual community. These sites allow for social outlet as well as an additional place to express ideas and thoughts.
To insure safety consider the following:
• Keep your child’s computer in a common area like the living room or kitchen.
• Do not post photos and personal information (addresses, last names, schools, etc.) on the front page. The public has access to that page, and public access to photos and info is a mistake.
• You can set the profile to private. This means only friends and family can access beyond the front page.
• As a rule, relationships on the internet should only be with people you already know (from school, church, clubs, work, family). At no point should a relationship be initiated and developed based on typed words. Make friends with people whose face you can see, whose voice you can hear, whose trust has been earned and proven over time.
Remember, for our children to be “Predator Proof” they must follow the rules we set for them; it is our job to make the decisions and use the discretion that will keep them safe.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Summer Safety Alert
It’s summer and school has ended. Hopefully there will be family vacations, a break from the routine, and lots of fun in the sun.
However, kids being out of school can also present some safety concerns. The fact is, many of you parents still have to put in a full day of work. This probably means summer camps, baby sitters, and depending on the age of your child, unsupervised time and activities.
SafeU would like to remind you that 85% of women and children who are victimized are preyed upon by someone familiar to them -- not by strangers. This means a friend, neighbor, family member, teacher, preacher, caregivers. You get the picture? This statistic is so high because predators are getting unsupervised access with their prey.
Who has access to our kids? After you answer this question, just know that access does not equate to guilt, but it should equate to observation and heightened awareness on your part.
Let’s take the steps to make sure our kids don’t become part of the statistic.
Parents, be an investigator. Take time to know who your kids are friends with. This includes introducing yourself to the parents, finding out if your child’s friend has siblings, especially older ones. This helps to understand who might have access.
If your child is going to camp or day care, ask for credentials and find out if background checks done on the councilors or teachers. How many people will have access to your child throughout the day?
Take the names of the staff that will be involved with your child and check the sex offender registry web site. Then do a Google search, and also go to “My Space” to see if they have a page. Get as much information as you can to find out if this person is of good character or a potential bad influence, or even a predator.
Make the time to unexpectedly drop in and visit your child at the camp or activity they're in. While visiting, observe the other children and the interactions they have with the councilors/teachers, get a feel for the environment, and ask questions about activities. Send the message that you have an eye on things and are interested in what is going on. If you don’t already make it a habit to talk to your child about the day, get them to talk and don’t interrupt. If something is happening that is bad for your child, clues will come out in those talks.
Lastly, use the C.I.A.
Confidence: Means “with faith,” and faith means to trust. Every month we share information and knowledge -- trust it. If you need more detail, understanding or training, contact us.
Intuition: The gift of knowing. If you get that gut feeling something is wrong, it probably is. Don’t dismiss it and try to think it away.
Awareness: Make a conscious decision to pay attention, to observe what is going on in your and your child’s life. I know most of us lead busy lives, however, you must take time to just pay attention, and you might be surprised at what you see.
However, kids being out of school can also present some safety concerns. The fact is, many of you parents still have to put in a full day of work. This probably means summer camps, baby sitters, and depending on the age of your child, unsupervised time and activities.
SafeU would like to remind you that 85% of women and children who are victimized are preyed upon by someone familiar to them -- not by strangers. This means a friend, neighbor, family member, teacher, preacher, caregivers. You get the picture? This statistic is so high because predators are getting unsupervised access with their prey.
Who has access to our kids? After you answer this question, just know that access does not equate to guilt, but it should equate to observation and heightened awareness on your part.
Let’s take the steps to make sure our kids don’t become part of the statistic.
Parents, be an investigator. Take time to know who your kids are friends with. This includes introducing yourself to the parents, finding out if your child’s friend has siblings, especially older ones. This helps to understand who might have access.
If your child is going to camp or day care, ask for credentials and find out if background checks done on the councilors or teachers. How many people will have access to your child throughout the day?
Take the names of the staff that will be involved with your child and check the sex offender registry web site. Then do a Google search, and also go to “My Space” to see if they have a page. Get as much information as you can to find out if this person is of good character or a potential bad influence, or even a predator.
Make the time to unexpectedly drop in and visit your child at the camp or activity they're in. While visiting, observe the other children and the interactions they have with the councilors/teachers, get a feel for the environment, and ask questions about activities. Send the message that you have an eye on things and are interested in what is going on. If you don’t already make it a habit to talk to your child about the day, get them to talk and don’t interrupt. If something is happening that is bad for your child, clues will come out in those talks.
Lastly, use the C.I.A.
Confidence: Means “with faith,” and faith means to trust. Every month we share information and knowledge -- trust it. If you need more detail, understanding or training, contact us.
Intuition: The gift of knowing. If you get that gut feeling something is wrong, it probably is. Don’t dismiss it and try to think it away.
Awareness: Make a conscious decision to pay attention, to observe what is going on in your and your child’s life. I know most of us lead busy lives, however, you must take time to just pay attention, and you might be surprised at what you see.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Prevention VS Reaction
When people hear the words self defense they usually think of karate, carrying a gun, pepper spray, or they imagine how they would fight off a violent attack. All of these have one thing in common; they evoke fear and are reactive.
Many people believe laws will protect them from violence. Laws are important, however, they are reactive. Laws are only effective after a crime has been committed. They are after-the-fact and designed to punish the guilty, not protect the innocent.
Laws are like fire fighting, we need the Fire Department after the house is in flames, and no matter how quickly they put water on it, damage is done. It's smarter to embrace Fire prevention VS Fire fighting -- what can you do to keep your house from burning?
Accepting that there is nothing we can do to prevent an attack is the same as saying there is nothing we can do to prevent the fire. That is a victim mentality.
Eighty-five percent of all violence against women and children is by someone they are familiar with. That means it is not random, and if it is not random it is predictable, and if it is predictable it is preventable.
To be truly safe or “Predator Proof” we have to learn prevention. Education is the answer to our safety. Following are some key safety prevention tips.
Make it a priority to predetermine your personal boundaries
• Boundaries can be physical, emotional and social.
Communicate and defend your boundaries
• Our words must match our action. Communication is 65% body language, 25% expression and tone of voice, and 5% word choice – make sure they are congruent with the message you are sending.
Don’t judge a book by its cover
• The familiar predators do not look like the bad guys in the movies. If they did, they wouldn’t be good predators. You can’t tell who the sinister people are by the clothes they ware, the hair, the eyes, or if their teeth are good or bad. Focus on their behavior, not the stereotyping presented in the media.
If something feels wrong, it probably is
• Give attention to your intuition or gut feeling. It's there as a messenger, you have nothing to lose by investigating that little voice inside.
Someone continually crossing the line or testing you after the line has been drawn is a red flag. At the very least the person is oblivious and disrespectful, and at the most they could be a predator looking to harm you. There is no greater deterrent than a confident, aware, and direct person.
Other thoughts ...
Many people believe laws will protect them from violence. Laws are important, however, they are reactive. Laws are only effective after a crime has been committed. They are after-the-fact and designed to punish the guilty, not protect the innocent.
Laws are like fire fighting, we need the Fire Department after the house is in flames, and no matter how quickly they put water on it, damage is done. It's smarter to embrace Fire prevention VS Fire fighting -- what can you do to keep your house from burning?
Accepting that there is nothing we can do to prevent an attack is the same as saying there is nothing we can do to prevent the fire. That is a victim mentality.
Eighty-five percent of all violence against women and children is by someone they are familiar with. That means it is not random, and if it is not random it is predictable, and if it is predictable it is preventable.
To be truly safe or “Predator Proof” we have to learn prevention. Education is the answer to our safety. Following are some key safety prevention tips.
Make it a priority to predetermine your personal boundaries
• Boundaries can be physical, emotional and social.
Communicate and defend your boundaries
• Our words must match our action. Communication is 65% body language, 25% expression and tone of voice, and 5% word choice – make sure they are congruent with the message you are sending.
Don’t judge a book by its cover
• The familiar predators do not look like the bad guys in the movies. If they did, they wouldn’t be good predators. You can’t tell who the sinister people are by the clothes they ware, the hair, the eyes, or if their teeth are good or bad. Focus on their behavior, not the stereotyping presented in the media.
If something feels wrong, it probably is
• Give attention to your intuition or gut feeling. It's there as a messenger, you have nothing to lose by investigating that little voice inside.
Someone continually crossing the line or testing you after the line has been drawn is a red flag. At the very least the person is oblivious and disrespectful, and at the most they could be a predator looking to harm you. There is no greater deterrent than a confident, aware, and direct person.
Other thoughts ...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Meghan Landowski Case
Meghan Landowski case:
This case leaves us with a lot of questions and very few answers.
First the facts:
It was about 4 p.m. Thursday when Meghan's stepfather returned to the family's home and found her lifeless body. He called 911. Paramedics pronounced her dead. Police say it's a homicide.
Friends who gathered at the home Thursday said Meghan appeared nervous about going to her house after a short day at school. A longtime friend, said Meghan begged to go to her house. It was usually that she asked for them to walk to her house.
Thursday night , police and Naval Criminal Investigative Service authorities picked up a man in Norfolk. The man, who is in the Navy, was questioned and released.
Police also searched a gold Volvo sport sedan bearing a personalized license plate parked in front of the home.
The questions:
1. It is a well established statistic that 85% of attacks on women and children
are from someone familiar to the victim. Is this the case here?
3. Who did the gold Volvo belong to?
4. Who was the navy man, and what was this adults connection to Meghan?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Intuition
We were all born with a natural, very real warning system that is designed to help protect us. This system is called intuition, which actually means to guard or protect.
Intuition works very well in young children. In general, it's the only mechanism they have to help keep them out of harm's way. Young children do not possess the ability to analyze and decide who is safe and who is not, they only have the feelings of intuition to nudge and pull them.
Unfortunately, as we begin our formal education around age 4 or 5 our natural response to intuition begins to diminish. The academic education takes over. Academic education is very important, however, we should not lose track of this natural gift. It is important to remember that intuition is a feeling, not a thought.
I urge everyone to make it a priority to learn and reconnect to their intuition. By being aware of the signals, we would have a clearer sense of when we're at risk, and we could allow our heightened awareness to work for us. Some intuition signals are:
• Curiosity
• A nagging feeling
• Distrust
• Uneasy
• Hesitation
• Fear
We've all experienced these feelings before. Because of the varying intensity of the signals, some people do not give them any attention to their own detriment. We may not always be able to identify why we have a particular signal at a particular time, but we certainly have nothing to lose by giving it our attention and let it heighten our awareness.
Intuition works very well in young children. In general, it's the only mechanism they have to help keep them out of harm's way. Young children do not possess the ability to analyze and decide who is safe and who is not, they only have the feelings of intuition to nudge and pull them.
Unfortunately, as we begin our formal education around age 4 or 5 our natural response to intuition begins to diminish. The academic education takes over. Academic education is very important, however, we should not lose track of this natural gift. It is important to remember that intuition is a feeling, not a thought.
I urge everyone to make it a priority to learn and reconnect to their intuition. By being aware of the signals, we would have a clearer sense of when we're at risk, and we could allow our heightened awareness to work for us. Some intuition signals are:
• Curiosity
• A nagging feeling
• Distrust
• Uneasy
• Hesitation
• Fear
We've all experienced these feelings before. Because of the varying intensity of the signals, some people do not give them any attention to their own detriment. We may not always be able to identify why we have a particular signal at a particular time, but we certainly have nothing to lose by giving it our attention and let it heighten our awareness.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
College campuses are inviting to predators
A college campus is a heavily populated environment and offers unique challenges when it comes to safety. According to crime statistics, one in four college girls will be the victim of some type of assault during their college career.
In the bigger picture, 85% to 90% of victimizations of women and children are by some- one familiar to the victim. This means a friend of a friend, acquaintance, classmate, neighbor, etc. What this also means is that most victimizations are not random, and if they're not random then they're preventable -- we just need to know what to look out for.
Sinister-minded people searching for victims on a college campus use many tools. They'll engage in social interactions to get to know you, then test you to determine if you would be a good potential target. They'll subtly and playfully use insults as a tool. This tool is designed to test what you'll tolerate. Remember, “what you allow you encourage.” If you'll tolerate the small stuff, you may tolerate the big stuff.
We all enjoy when someone is being nice and charming to us, however, it is a social tool that can be used for ill intent. Is the person just trying to get you to smile, or trying to break down your social protective shield in search of vulnerabilities. The next time someone is being charming and nice ask yourself one question, “what do they want?” Your gut will give you the answer.
Our personal boundaries are one of our best tools for safety. Someone looking for a victim will test boundaries. If your boundaries are repeatedly tested by the same person over and over, it should warrant concern and send you a message; they do not respect your boundaries and could be evaluating whether you are a good victim.
If you attend college, do not overlook good basic safety strategies that can help mitigate the “crimes of opportunity:”
1. Buddy system: not just for young children, remember, predators want their victim to be alone.
2. Lock your doors, check your windows: the importance is pretty obvious; many people overlook it, or just plain forget.
3. Guard your drink: the college environment especially, date rape drugs are still used.
4. The pack: College students are going to go to parties where there might be drinking. Agree with your trusted pack ahead of time to arrive and leave together, watch each other's back.
Other thoughts ...
In the bigger picture, 85% to 90% of victimizations of women and children are by some- one familiar to the victim. This means a friend of a friend, acquaintance, classmate, neighbor, etc. What this also means is that most victimizations are not random, and if they're not random then they're preventable -- we just need to know what to look out for.
Sinister-minded people searching for victims on a college campus use many tools. They'll engage in social interactions to get to know you, then test you to determine if you would be a good potential target. They'll subtly and playfully use insults as a tool. This tool is designed to test what you'll tolerate. Remember, “what you allow you encourage.” If you'll tolerate the small stuff, you may tolerate the big stuff.
We all enjoy when someone is being nice and charming to us, however, it is a social tool that can be used for ill intent. Is the person just trying to get you to smile, or trying to break down your social protective shield in search of vulnerabilities. The next time someone is being charming and nice ask yourself one question, “what do they want?” Your gut will give you the answer.
Our personal boundaries are one of our best tools for safety. Someone looking for a victim will test boundaries. If your boundaries are repeatedly tested by the same person over and over, it should warrant concern and send you a message; they do not respect your boundaries and could be evaluating whether you are a good victim.
If you attend college, do not overlook good basic safety strategies that can help mitigate the “crimes of opportunity:”
1. Buddy system: not just for young children, remember, predators want their victim to be alone.
2. Lock your doors, check your windows: the importance is pretty obvious; many people overlook it, or just plain forget.
3. Guard your drink: the college environment especially, date rape drugs are still used.
4. The pack: College students are going to go to parties where there might be drinking. Agree with your trusted pack ahead of time to arrive and leave together, watch each other's back.
Other thoughts ...
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Red Flags for Parents
Predators often do what is called “grooming,” which is a process of testing and training the potential victim to accept the predator’s ultimate sick goal. This method is primarily done to children in order to desensitize them to the predator’s goal.
As difficult as it might be, we as parents must acknowledge the fact that statistically 85% of victimizations of woman and children are by someone familiar to them. Observation and awareness of who is in our children’s lives, and how they interact, will help keep our children safe. Pay particular attention to the following behaviors:
- Someone continually disregarding or refusing to let your child set limits (boundaries). Predators need control. Boundaries and limits are the safety wall. The ill intentioned person will consistently push and test the limits in an effort to crack your child’s personal bubble.
- Someone that is preoccupied with your child and gives inappropriate attention. It's one thing when grandma dotes over your child and spoils him or her. It's out of place for the next door neighbor, teacher, or soccer coach to do so.
- Someone that insists on spending uninterrupted time with your child. Someone who has good intentions doesn’t care whether the parent pops in, because they have nothing to hide.
- Someone hugging, touching, tickling, wrestling, etc. against your child’s will. Often times this can look like harmless play. However, if a child says stop (even if it sounds like they're playing), that should be the end.
- The sharing of inappropriate “private” information that is normally shared with adults. This can be disguised as “our little secret.” Teach your child there are no secrets. When adults tell children private things, or to keep secrets, they must tell you.
As difficult as it might be, we as parents must acknowledge the fact that statistically 85% of victimizations of woman and children are by someone familiar to them. Observation and awareness of who is in our children’s lives, and how they interact, will help keep our children safe. Pay particular attention to the following behaviors:
- Someone continually disregarding or refusing to let your child set limits (boundaries). Predators need control. Boundaries and limits are the safety wall. The ill intentioned person will consistently push and test the limits in an effort to crack your child’s personal bubble.
- Someone that is preoccupied with your child and gives inappropriate attention. It's one thing when grandma dotes over your child and spoils him or her. It's out of place for the next door neighbor, teacher, or soccer coach to do so.
- Someone that insists on spending uninterrupted time with your child. Someone who has good intentions doesn’t care whether the parent pops in, because they have nothing to hide.
- Someone hugging, touching, tickling, wrestling, etc. against your child’s will. Often times this can look like harmless play. However, if a child says stop (even if it sounds like they're playing), that should be the end.
- The sharing of inappropriate “private” information that is normally shared with adults. This can be disguised as “our little secret.” Teach your child there are no secrets. When adults tell children private things, or to keep secrets, they must tell you.
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