During this past election season, we heard a lot of talk aimed at parents about predator and pedophile databases. When you hear this type of rhetoric, do not resign yourself to feeling that elected officials and the police are keeping you safe. The fact is, a crime has to be committed for the police to fight it. We define safety as certain knowledge that prevents the crime from ever happening. Laws and the police are important, but they are only one piece of the puzzle. Some fundamental ways to avoid victimizations are:
- Do not gain a false sense of confidence because of a new predator or pedophile database or law.
- In order for there to be a database, the crime already happened. You don't want to be the one victim that puts the predator or pedophile in the database.
- Talk and Tell. Children and parents need to Talk and Tell about their day. You can learn a lot about who your child's friends are and what they're doing.
- Learn how to identify predators. According to statistics from the Department of Justice, FBI and National Victims Center, 85% of attacks on women and children are from someone familiar to the victim -- classmate, friend of a friend, neighbor, relative, spouse or boyfriend, workmate or new acquaintance. If being safe to you means looking out for strangers, you'll never see the real threats until it's too late.
- Teach your children about boundaries. Have them predetermine how they want to be treated. If they allow an invasion of their boundaries it sends a message that they can be controlled. This is a major attractor for the predator.
- Use the buddy system. Predators generally need two things to be successful: privacy and control. For a predator, it's less appealing to try to control two people, and the buddy system certainly eliminates privacy.
- Know where your children are. If something happens, you'll need to know where to look for them. Convey to teens that this will not diminish their independence; it will gain your trust.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Nevada child rape case needs closer look
First, let me say thank God they found the little girl who was raped by a sexual predator in Nevada four years ago, when she was only three. It was my greatest fear that she would not be found.
As I watch this horrific story unfold, I'm having a problem with some of the information coming out. For instance:
- The mother says the suspect was a distant family friend. I have to ask, how does a “distant” friend get access to three-year-old girl long enough to rape her multiple times and video it. If the authorities look harder they'll find that the predator was more than a distant family friend.
- In the background of the video you can see a bed and other things that do not look like the makings of a child's room. That means the rape took place either in the parent's room or in some other adult bedroom, possibly the predator's room.
- The police said that Madison showed little emotion as she was being raped and molested. That indicates this was not the first time something like this happened to her, either at the hands of the current suspect or someone else.
- Lastly, what is the connection between the suspect in the tape and the person who turned it over to police. A predator would not make this kind of video and just leave it lying around the desert.
There is a lot more going on here than the current facts indicate. I hope Madison gets the help she needs to recover from this ordeal. I also hope that the authorities exhaust every lead to bring every person who had a hand in this horrible act to justice.
As I watch this horrific story unfold, I'm having a problem with some of the information coming out. For instance:
- The mother says the suspect was a distant family friend. I have to ask, how does a “distant” friend get access to three-year-old girl long enough to rape her multiple times and video it. If the authorities look harder they'll find that the predator was more than a distant family friend.
- In the background of the video you can see a bed and other things that do not look like the makings of a child's room. That means the rape took place either in the parent's room or in some other adult bedroom, possibly the predator's room.
- The police said that Madison showed little emotion as she was being raped and molested. That indicates this was not the first time something like this happened to her, either at the hands of the current suspect or someone else.
- Lastly, what is the connection between the suspect in the tape and the person who turned it over to police. A predator would not make this kind of video and just leave it lying around the desert.
There is a lot more going on here than the current facts indicate. I hope Madison gets the help she needs to recover from this ordeal. I also hope that the authorities exhaust every lead to bring every person who had a hand in this horrible act to justice.
Monday, September 24, 2007
S.C. predator waited for isolation to act
Predator crimes fall into one of two categories: a crime of opportunity or pre-meditation, which means the victim knew the predator. The predator case involving a kidnapped 14-year-old-girl in South Carolina who was raped for more than a week in an underground bunker was a crime of opportunity.
The predator was recently sentenced to 421 years in prison for his repulsive act. To stop predators like this, it's best to educate ourselves on how they think and choose their victims.
Vinson Filyaw, the South Carolina predator, wrote from his cell: "Like a predator, I waited on one lonely stray to walk by."
A predator needs Isolation, Vulnerability, Control and Privacy to be successful. As this young girl walked home alone from her bus stop, Filyaw accomplished the Isolation he desired.
He then moved in for the interview. Although he posed as a police officer, he stilled relied on his predator mentality to test the victim with words or touching to gain her trust and see if Control could be achieved. During this interview, the predator is looking for several cues indicating that the person is controllable or easily manipulated.
Using this technique, Filyaw was able to talk the girl into his car where he gained Control and Privacy.
What should be learned from this horrible tragedy is to not allow a predator Isolation or Privacy. Do not allow yourself to be taken out of the public eye from an unknown person or a person you don't feel comfortable with. Trust your instincts. Many lives have been saved this way.
And if you're out of the public eye for reasons out of your control, be aware.
To her credit, the 14-year-old did some very smart things when she was kidnapped.
Once she was in the bunker, physical fighting went out the window. All that would have gotten her was beaten up or killed. Instead, the teenager humanized herself to the predator. Predators do not view their victims as people, as human. They are meat.
In this case, the young girl humanized herself and gained his trust. I truly believe that saved her life. A predator is not going to take someone into a bunker and rape her for a week or a month and just let her go.
By keeping her wits about her and not giving up, and gaining the predator's trust, the young girl was able to get his cell phone to "play games" and send text messages to her mother, which led rescuers to the bunker.
The predator was recently sentenced to 421 years in prison for his repulsive act. To stop predators like this, it's best to educate ourselves on how they think and choose their victims.
Vinson Filyaw, the South Carolina predator, wrote from his cell: "Like a predator, I waited on one lonely stray to walk by."
A predator needs Isolation, Vulnerability, Control and Privacy to be successful. As this young girl walked home alone from her bus stop, Filyaw accomplished the Isolation he desired.
He then moved in for the interview. Although he posed as a police officer, he stilled relied on his predator mentality to test the victim with words or touching to gain her trust and see if Control could be achieved. During this interview, the predator is looking for several cues indicating that the person is controllable or easily manipulated.
Using this technique, Filyaw was able to talk the girl into his car where he gained Control and Privacy.
What should be learned from this horrible tragedy is to not allow a predator Isolation or Privacy. Do not allow yourself to be taken out of the public eye from an unknown person or a person you don't feel comfortable with. Trust your instincts. Many lives have been saved this way.
And if you're out of the public eye for reasons out of your control, be aware.
To her credit, the 14-year-old did some very smart things when she was kidnapped.
Once she was in the bunker, physical fighting went out the window. All that would have gotten her was beaten up or killed. Instead, the teenager humanized herself to the predator. Predators do not view their victims as people, as human. They are meat.
In this case, the young girl humanized herself and gained his trust. I truly believe that saved her life. A predator is not going to take someone into a bunker and rape her for a week or a month and just let her go.
By keeping her wits about her and not giving up, and gaining the predator's trust, the young girl was able to get his cell phone to "play games" and send text messages to her mother, which led rescuers to the bunker.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Setting Boundaries Repels Predators
A predator needs Control, Privacy, Vulnerability and Accessibility to be successful. Setting boundaries and enforcing them wards off potential predators by creating a strong persona that the predator finds unappealing. The following boundaries are universal to children, teens, college students and adults.
- Know your boundaries. Predetermine how you want to be treated. What you allow you encourage.
- Allowing an invasion of your boundaries sends a message that you can be controlled. This is a major attractor for the predator.
- Someone who keeps trying to invade your boundaries sends a message that they do not respect you. That is a red flag.
- If you do not take time to predetermine your boundaries, you may get caught off guard and become confused and possibly abused.
- Always keep in focus your predetermined boundaries. Healthy, good and positive people will respect them. Disrespectful, sinister and negative people will be repelled by them.
- Don’t give your trust away easily. Keep your encounters with people in context of the relationship and the boundaries you've set.
- Know your boundaries. Predetermine how you want to be treated. What you allow you encourage.
- Allowing an invasion of your boundaries sends a message that you can be controlled. This is a major attractor for the predator.
- Someone who keeps trying to invade your boundaries sends a message that they do not respect you. That is a red flag.
- If you do not take time to predetermine your boundaries, you may get caught off guard and become confused and possibly abused.
- Always keep in focus your predetermined boundaries. Healthy, good and positive people will respect them. Disrespectful, sinister and negative people will be repelled by them.
- Don’t give your trust away easily. Keep your encounters with people in context of the relationship and the boundaries you've set.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Predator Proof Your Teen This Summer
While summer brings new adventures for teenagers, it also creates a greater distance between you and them. This growing-up process is healthy, but it needs to be done in a safe manner. You can increase your teen's safety by reiterating a few Predator Proof tips:
- Remind them that predators don't hide in bushes. According to statistics from the Department of Justice, FBI and National Victims Center, 85% of attacks on women, teens and children are from someone familiar to the victim -- classmate, friend of a friend, neighbor, relative, spouse or boyfriend, workmate or new acquaintance.
- Do not be so eager to give away trust. Take time to get to know new acquaintances, observe their behavior, and know that trust is earned and takes time.
- Use the buddy system. Predators generally need two things to be successful: privacy and control. For a predator, it's less appealing to try to control two people, and the buddy system certainly eliminates privacy.
- If something feels wrong, it is wrong. Trust your gut instincts and intuition.
Leave present company, don't get in the car, depart from the party -- politely dismiss yourself from whatever situation you're not comfortable with and head for safe ground.
- Your voice is a weapon, use it. Video from recent abductions in parking lots during broad daylight show the victims never screamed. If you feel threatened remove yourself from the situation. If you cannot do that, your voice becomes very valuable. Use it to scream for help. Predators hate attention.
- Know where your teens are. If something happens, you'll need to know where to look for them. Convey to teens that this will not diminish their independence. In fact, it will gain your trust.
- Remind them that predators don't hide in bushes. According to statistics from the Department of Justice, FBI and National Victims Center, 85% of attacks on women, teens and children are from someone familiar to the victim -- classmate, friend of a friend, neighbor, relative, spouse or boyfriend, workmate or new acquaintance.
- Do not be so eager to give away trust. Take time to get to know new acquaintances, observe their behavior, and know that trust is earned and takes time.
- Use the buddy system. Predators generally need two things to be successful: privacy and control. For a predator, it's less appealing to try to control two people, and the buddy system certainly eliminates privacy.
- If something feels wrong, it is wrong. Trust your gut instincts and intuition.
Leave present company, don't get in the car, depart from the party -- politely dismiss yourself from whatever situation you're not comfortable with and head for safe ground.
- Your voice is a weapon, use it. Video from recent abductions in parking lots during broad daylight show the victims never screamed. If you feel threatened remove yourself from the situation. If you cannot do that, your voice becomes very valuable. Use it to scream for help. Predators hate attention.
- Know where your teens are. If something happens, you'll need to know where to look for them. Convey to teens that this will not diminish their independence. In fact, it will gain your trust.
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