Predator Proof

Internal Dialogue Can Fend Off Predators

2009-01-26T16:26:00.001-05:00

Protecting yourself from the dysfunction and ill intention of a predator is more than surface level training. We can’t fool ourselves into thinking that mace, guns, and karate are the answer to avoiding victimization. Most tools people accept as protections are reactionary.

SafeU is encouraging proactive tools. Statistics show that 85 to 90% of women and children are victimized by someone familiar to them, NOT by strangers. Learning to identify and repel this type of predator is the best defense. SafeU teaches the tools to do exactly that.

The type of predator who targets women and children looks for insecurities, vulnerabilities, and the lack of confidence, among other things. This means at some level the predator will have interaction and communication with a potential victim.

During the interaction and communication a predator is deciding whether you are a good victim, or too much to handle. The goal of SafeU is to help everyone become “too much to handle.” The following tips are a part of what it takes to become predator proof.

Our internal dialogue (what we say inside our head) matters. What we say and think inside will project out. If you feel insecure or lack confidence, you will project exactly that. Try some new dialogue that not only helps you to become predator proof, but will also make you feel better and stronger.

- I am valuable.

- I am confident, strong, and stable.

- It’s ok to smile and be happy.

- I am aware and alert.

- I do not have to accommodate everyone.

- I am brave.

- I will not tolerate unwanted invasions.

- I can’t please everyone all the time, and that is ok.

Trying some of this internal work may feel unnatural, or the dialogue being used may not fit how you really feel, but if you truly want to become predator proof it is worth the conditioning.

Dating

2008-11-21T08:37:00.004-05:00

Dating can be a great experience. It's exciting to get to know a new person, and going to fun places and spending one-on-one time.

It is also the time your radar should be up. It needs to be on high alert so you can determine whether this person is of high quality and that they are who they present themselves to be.

It is a fact of human nature to be on our best behavior, to show our best side, and to charm when pursuing another person (courting). It's also a fact that a predator-minded people will be on their best behavior and very charming when pursuing their target, or victim.

Statistically, 85-93% of victimizations of women and children are by someone familiar to the victim. This means a friend, neighbor, co-worker, husband, boyfriend, etc. Every two minutes in the United States a sexual assault occurs – that is more than 280,000 victims a year. We tell you this not to put you in fear, but to get your attention.

The goal of our SafeU program is to use awareness and tools to identify the predator. We want you to be informed and educated, as well as in a position of strength and confidence -- not reactive.

By applying what we teach, at the very least, you can eliminate harmful people from your life, and at the most, deflect the very person who could end your life.

The following tips can help you weed out the potential deceiver:

• You can gauge the intentions of this new prospect by pre-determining your boundaries. It's like a test for your new date. Whether intentional or not, if your pre-determined boundaries are invaded, and you defend them by communicating the offense, a good person will respect the request. However, the ill intentioned person will keep trying and they will use many tools to try to get what they want -- which is control. It will all be disguised in a cloak of playfulness and charm, but it should be seen as the early signs of predatory behavior.

• Trust. We should never give our trust away just because of a smile or the impression of nice. Our trust must be earned. Trust is proven over time and by consistent action.

• Suggestions:
- Meet in populated areas.
- Let people know who you're meeting and where you're going.
- Have an exit strategy. If the date is not going well have a fake appointment or obligation (if it’s going well you can always “cancel” that “obligation”).
- Drive separately. Driving separately keeps you in control of where you go and when you leave.

• Stay focused. I have a 25-year-old friend. She had met someone new and was telling me she wanted to stay focused on getting to know his personality, etc. Her challenge was to not be side tracked by how attractive he was. She is a very wise young lady, but all too often it is easy to overlook the signs as to whether this person is good for us, or bad for us, just because we find them physically attractive.

• Take opportunities in social environments to observe the behavior of this new interest. Do they act differently in social situations than when you're alone with them? If so, you may want to keep the radar up and pay attention, it may be a red flag.

There are many signs and signals in someone's behavior that can identify whether they are dangerous or unhealthy for you. Let us know if you have any concerns.

My Space / Face book

2008-09-15T16:45:00.000-04:00

It’s school time again, and each year education techniques change. Our grade school children are learning subjects that used to be taught in junior high. It is now common place for our kids to use the computer and internet to research and complete home work.

As you well know, most children and many adults socialize through the internet. They are using sites like My Space and Face Book to communicate with their friends, and in some cases making friends on these sites.

Anyone who watches the news knows that predators will use whatever they can to find a victim. It is a fact that they search these social sites and put out the bait. Take precautions to avoid being the catch.

• Keep in mind anyone with an e-mail address can open a My Space or Face Book account. They can become anybody they want.

• Members or non-members can access the sites 24/7 to search and find anyone they want, regardless of age.

• Remember, the personal information you post on these sites gives anyone, including predators, insight about you.

Used appropriately and with parent monitoring, My Space and Face Book, as well as other social sites, can be a great virtual community. These sites allow for social outlet as well as an additional place to express ideas and thoughts.

To insure safety consider the following:

• Keep your child’s computer in a common area like the living room or kitchen.

• Do not post photos and personal information (addresses, last names, schools, etc.) on the front page. The public has access to that page, and public access to photos and info is a mistake.

• You can set the profile to private. This means only friends and family can access beyond the front page.

• As a rule, relationships on the internet should only be with people you already know (from school, church, clubs, work, family). At no point should a relationship be initiated and developed based on typed words. Make friends with people whose face you can see, whose voice you can hear, whose trust has been earned and proven over time.

Remember, for our children to be “Predator Proof” they must follow the rules we set for them; it is our job to make the decisions and use the discretion that will keep them safe.

Summer Safety Alert

2008-06-16T16:11:00.002-04:00

It’s summer and school has ended. Hopefully there will be family vacations, a break from the routine, and lots of fun in the sun.

However, kids being out of school can also present some safety concerns. The fact is, many of you parents still have to put in a full day of work. This probably means summer camps, baby sitters, and depending on the age of your child, unsupervised time and activities.

SafeU would like to remind you that 85% of women and children who are victimized are preyed upon by someone familiar to them -- not by strangers. This means a friend, neighbor, family member, teacher, preacher, caregivers. You get the picture? This statistic is so high because predators are getting unsupervised access with their prey.

Who has access to our kids? After you answer this question, just know that access does not equate to guilt, but it should equate to observation and heightened awareness on your part.

Let’s take the steps to make sure our kids don’t become part of the statistic.

Parents, be an investigator. Take time to know who your kids are friends with. This includes introducing yourself to the parents, finding out if your child’s friend has siblings, especially older ones. This helps to understand who might have access.

If your child is going to camp or day care, ask for credentials and find out if background checks done on the councilors or teachers. How many people will have access to your child throughout the day?

Take the names of the staff that will be involved with your child and check the sex offender registry web site. Then do a Google search, and also go to “My Space” to see if they have a page. Get as much information as you can to find out if this person is of good character or a potential bad influence, or even a predator.

Make the time to unexpectedly drop in and visit your child at the camp or activity they're in. While visiting, observe the other children and the interactions they have with the councilors/teachers, get a feel for the environment, and ask questions about activities. Send the message that you have an eye on things and are interested in what is going on. If you don’t already make it a habit to talk to your child about the day, get them to talk and don’t interrupt. If something is happening that is bad for your child, clues will come out in those talks.

Lastly, use the C.I.A.

Confidence: Means “with faith,” and faith means to trust. Every month we share information and knowledge -- trust it. If you need more detail, understanding or training, contact us.

Intuition: The gift of knowing. If you get that gut feeling something is wrong, it probably is. Don’t dismiss it and try to think it away.

Awareness: Make a conscious decision to pay attention, to observe what is going on in your and your child’s life. I know most of us lead busy lives, however, you must take time to just pay attention, and you might be surprised at what you see.

Prevention VS Reaction

2008-05-11T09:39:00.001-04:00

When people hear the words self defense they usually think of karate, carrying a gun, pepper spray, or they imagine how they would fight off a violent attack. All of these have one thing in common; they evoke fear and are reactive.

Many people believe laws will protect them from violence. Laws are important, however, they are reactive. Laws are only effective after a crime has been committed. They are after-the-fact and designed to punish the guilty, not protect the innocent.

Laws are like fire fighting, we need the Fire Department after the house is in flames, and no matter how quickly they put water on it, damage is done. It's smarter to embrace Fire prevention VS Fire fighting -- what can you do to keep your house from burning?

Accepting that there is nothing we can do to prevent an attack is the same as saying there is nothing we can do to prevent the fire. That is a victim mentality.

Eighty-five percent of all violence against women and children is by someone they are familiar with. That means it is not random, and if it is not random it is predictable, and if it is predictable it is preventable.

To be truly safe or “Predator Proof” we have to learn prevention. Education is the answer to our safety. Following are some key safety prevention tips.

Make it a priority to predetermine your personal boundaries
• Boundaries can be physical, emotional and social.

Communicate and defend your boundaries
• Our words must match our action. Communication is 65% body language, 25% expression and tone of voice, and 5% word choice – make sure they are congruent with the message you are sending.

Don’t judge a book by its cover
• The familiar predators do not look like the bad guys in the movies. If they did, they wouldn’t be good predators. You can’t tell who the sinister people are by the clothes they ware, the hair, the eyes, or if their teeth are good or bad. Focus on their behavior, not the stereotyping presented in the media.

If something feels wrong, it probably is
• Give attention to your intuition or gut feeling. It's there as a messenger, you have nothing to lose by investigating that little voice inside.

Someone continually crossing the line or testing you after the line has been drawn is a red flag. At the very least the person is oblivious and disrespectful, and at the most they could be a predator looking to harm you. There is no greater deterrent than a confident, aware, and direct person.

Other thoughts ...

Meghan Landowski Case

2008-04-13T16:38:00.004-04:00

Meghan Landowski case:

This case leaves us with a lot of questions and very few answers.

First the facts:

It was about 4 p.m. Thursday when Meghan's stepfather returned to the family's home and found her lifeless body. He called 911. Paramedics pronounced her dead. Police say it's a homicide.

Friends who gathered at the home Thursday said Meghan appeared nervous about going to her house after a short day at school. A longtime friend, said Meghan begged to go to her house. It was usually that she asked for them to walk to her house.

Thursday night , police and Naval Criminal Investigative Service authorities picked up a man in Norfolk. The man, who is in the Navy, was questioned and released.

Police also searched a gold Volvo sport sedan bearing a personalized license plate parked in front of the home.

The questions:

1. It is a well established statistic that 85% of attacks on women and children
are from someone familiar to the victim. Is this the case here?

2. Why was Meghan's intuition telling her not to go home?

3. Who did the gold Volvo belong to?

4. Who was the navy man, and what was this adults connection to Meghan?

Intuition

2008-03-31T19:33:00.000-04:00

We were all born with a natural, very real warning system that is designed to help protect us. This system is called intuition, which actually means to guard or protect.

Intuition works very well in young children. In general, it's the only mechanism they have to help keep them out of harm's way. Young children do not possess the ability to analyze and decide who is safe and who is not, they only have the feelings of intuition to nudge and pull them.

Unfortunately, as we begin our formal education around age 4 or 5 our natural response to intuition begins to diminish. The academic education takes over. Academic education is very important, however, we should not lose track of this natural gift. It is important to remember that intuition is a feeling, not a thought.

I urge everyone to make it a priority to learn and reconnect to their intuition. By being aware of the signals, we would have a clearer sense of when we're at risk, and we could allow our heightened awareness to work for us. Some intuition signals are:

• Curiosity
• A nagging feeling
• Distrust
• Uneasy
• Hesitation
• Fear

We've all experienced these feelings before. Because of the varying intensity of the signals, some people do not give them any attention to their own detriment. We may not always be able to identify why we have a particular signal at a particular time, but we certainly have nothing to lose by giving it our attention and let it heighten our awareness.

College campuses are inviting to predators

2008-03-01T11:38:00.001-05:00

A college campus is a heavily populated environment and offers unique challenges when it comes to safety. According to crime statistics, one in four college girls will be the victim of some type of assault during their college career.

In the bigger picture, 85% to 90% of victimizations of women and children are by some- one familiar to the victim. This means a friend of a friend, acquaintance, classmate, neighbor, etc. What this also means is that most victimizations are not random, and if they're not random then they're preventable -- we just need to know what to look out for.

Sinister-minded people searching for victims on a college campus use many tools. They'll engage in social interactions to get to know you, then test you to determine if you would be a good potential target. They'll subtly and playfully use insults as a tool. This tool is designed to test what you'll tolerate. Remember, “what you allow you encourage.” If you'll tolerate the small stuff, you may tolerate the big stuff.

We all enjoy when someone is being nice and charming to us, however, it is a social tool that can be used for ill intent. Is the person just trying to get you to smile, or trying to break down your social protective shield in search of vulnerabilities. The next time someone is being charming and nice ask yourself one question, “what do they want?” Your gut will give you the answer.

Our personal boundaries are one of our best tools for safety. Someone looking for a victim will test boundaries. If your boundaries are repeatedly tested by the same person over and over, it should warrant concern and send you a message; they do not respect your boundaries and could be evaluating whether you are a good victim.

If you attend college, do not overlook good basic safety strategies that can help mitigate the “crimes of opportunity:”

1. Buddy system: not just for young children, remember, predators want their victim to be alone.

2. Lock your doors, check your windows: the importance is pretty obvious; many people overlook it, or just plain forget.

3. Guard your drink: the college environment especially, date rape drugs are still used.

4. The pack: College students are going to go to parties where there might be drinking. Agree with your trusted pack ahead of time to arrive and leave together, watch each other's back.

Other thoughts ...

Red Flags for Parents

2008-01-20T10:33:00.000-05:00

Predators often do what is called “grooming,” which is a process of testing and training the potential victim to accept the predator’s ultimate sick goal. This method is primarily done to children in order to desensitize them to the predator’s goal.

As difficult as it might be, we as parents must acknowledge the fact that statistically 85% of victimizations of woman and children are by someone familiar to them. Observation and awareness of who is in our children’s lives, and how they interact, will help keep our children safe. Pay particular attention to the following behaviors:

- Someone continually disregarding or refusing to let your child set limits (boundaries). Predators need control. Boundaries and limits are the safety wall. The ill intentioned person will consistently push and test the limits in an effort to crack your child’s personal bubble.

- Someone that is preoccupied with your child and gives inappropriate attention. It's one thing when grandma dotes over your child and spoils him or her. It's out of place for the next door neighbor, teacher, or soccer coach to do so.

- Someone that insists on spending uninterrupted time with your child. Someone who has good intentions doesn’t care whether the parent pops in, because they have nothing to hide.

- Someone hugging, touching, tickling, wrestling, etc. against your child’s will. Often times this can look like harmless play. However, if a child says stop (even if it sounds like they're playing), that should be the end.

- The sharing of inappropriate “private” information that is normally shared with adults. This can be disguised as “our little secret.” Teach your child there are no secrets. When adults tell children private things, or to keep secrets, they must tell you.

Predator and Pedophile databases

2007-11-14T08:50:00.000-05:00

During this past election season, we heard a lot of talk aimed at parents about predator and pedophile databases. When you hear this type of rhetoric, do not resign yourself to feeling that elected officials and the police are keeping you safe. The fact is, a crime has to be committed for the police to fight it. We define safety as certain knowledge that prevents the crime from ever happening. Laws and the police are important, but they are only one piece of the puzzle. Some fundamental ways to avoid victimizations are:

- Do not gain a false sense of confidence because of a new predator or pedophile database or law.

- In order for there to be a database, the crime already happened. You don't want to be the one victim that puts the predator or pedophile in the database.

- Talk and Tell. Children and parents need to Talk and Tell about their day. You can learn a lot about who your child's friends are and what they're doing.

- Learn how to identify predators. According to statistics from the Department of Justice, FBI and National Victims Center, 85% of attacks on women and children are from someone familiar to the victim -- classmate, friend of a friend, neighbor, relative, spouse or boyfriend, workmate or new acquaintance. If being safe to you means looking out for strangers, you'll never see the real threats until it's too late.

- Teach your children about boundaries. Have them predetermine how they want to be treated. If they allow an invasion of their boundaries it sends a message that they can be controlled. This is a major attractor for the predator.

- Use the buddy system. Predators generally need two things to be successful: privacy and control. For a predator, it's less appealing to try to control two people, and the buddy system certainly eliminates privacy.

- Know where your children are. If something happens, you'll need to know where to look for them. Convey to teens that this will not diminish their independence; it will gain your trust.

Nevada child rape case needs closer look

2007-10-01T16:11:00.000-04:00

First, let me say thank God they found the little girl who was raped by a sexual predator in Nevada four years ago, when she was only three. It was my greatest fear that she would not be found.

As I watch this horrific story unfold, I'm having a problem with some of the information coming out. For instance:

- The mother says the suspect was a distant family friend. I have to ask, how does a “distant” friend get access to three-year-old girl long enough to rape her multiple times and video it. If the authorities look harder they'll find that the predator was more than a distant family friend.

- In the background of the video you can see a bed and other things that do not look like the makings of a child's room. That means the rape took place either in the parent's room or in some other adult bedroom, possibly the predator's room.

- The police said that Madison showed little emotion as she was being raped and molested. That indicates this was not the first time something like this happened to her, either at the hands of the current suspect or someone else.

- Lastly, what is the connection between the suspect in the tape and the person who turned it over to police. A predator would not make this kind of video and just leave it lying around the desert.

There is a lot more going on here than the current facts indicate. I hope Madison gets the help she needs to recover from this ordeal. I also hope that the authorities exhaust every lead to bring every person who had a hand in this horrible act to justice.

S.C. predator waited for isolation to act

2007-09-24T22:39:00.000-04:00

Predator crimes fall into one of two categories: a crime of opportunity or pre-meditation, which means the victim knew the predator. The predator case involving a kidnapped 14-year-old-girl in South Carolina who was raped for more than a week in an underground bunker was a crime of opportunity.

The predator was recently sentenced to 421 years in prison for his repulsive act. To stop predators like this, it's best to educate ourselves on how they think and choose their victims.

Vinson Filyaw, the South Carolina predator, wrote from his cell: "Like a predator, I waited on one lonely stray to walk by."

A predator needs Isolation, Vulnerability, Control and Privacy to be successful. As this young girl walked home alone from her bus stop, Filyaw accomplished the Isolation he desired.

He then moved in for the interview. Although he posed as a police officer, he stilled relied on his predator mentality to test the victim with words or touching to gain her trust and see if Control could be achieved. During this interview, the predator is looking for several cues indicating that the person is controllable or easily manipulated.

Using this technique, Filyaw was able to talk the girl into his car where he gained Control and Privacy.

What should be learned from this horrible tragedy is to not allow a predator Isolation or Privacy. Do not allow yourself to be taken out of the public eye from an unknown person or a person you don't feel comfortable with. Trust your instincts. Many lives have been saved this way.

And if you're out of the public eye for reasons out of your control, be aware.

To her credit, the 14-year-old did some very smart things when she was kidnapped.
Once she was in the bunker, physical fighting went out the window. All that would have gotten her was beaten up or killed. Instead, the teenager humanized herself to the predator. Predators do not view their victims as people, as human. They are meat.

In this case, the young girl humanized herself and gained his trust. I truly believe that saved her life. A predator is not going to take someone into a bunker and rape her for a week or a month and just let her go.

By keeping her wits about her and not giving up, and gaining the predator's trust, the young girl was able to get his cell phone to "play games" and send text messages to her mother, which led rescuers to the bunker.

Setting Boundaries Repels Predators

2007-09-14T12:23:00.000-04:00

A predator needs Control, Privacy, Vulnerability and Accessibility to be successful. Setting boundaries and enforcing them wards off potential predators by creating a strong persona that the predator finds unappealing. The following boundaries are universal to children, teens, college students and adults.

- Know your boundaries. Predetermine how you want to be treated. What you allow you encourage.

- Allowing an invasion of your boundaries sends a message that you can be controlled. This is a major attractor for the predator.

- Someone who keeps trying to invade your boundaries sends a message that they do not respect you. That is a red flag.

- If you do not take time to predetermine your boundaries, you may get caught off guard and become confused and possibly abused.

- Always keep in focus your predetermined boundaries. Healthy, good and positive people will respect them. Disrespectful, sinister and negative people will be repelled by them.

- Don’t give your trust away easily. Keep your encounters with people in context of the relationship and the boundaries you've set.

Predator Proof Your Teen This Summer

2007-08-27T15:02:00.001-04:00

While summer brings new adventures for teenagers, it also creates a greater distance between you and them. This growing-up process is healthy, but it needs to be done in a safe manner. You can increase your teen's safety by reiterating a few Predator Proof tips:

- Remind them that predators don't hide in bushes. According to statistics from the Department of Justice, FBI and National Victims Center, 85% of attacks on women, teens and children are from someone familiar to the victim -- classmate, friend of a friend, neighbor, relative, spouse or boyfriend, workmate or new acquaintance.

- Do not be so eager to give away trust. Take time to get to know new acquaintances, observe their behavior, and know that trust is earned and takes time.

- Use the buddy system. Predators generally need two things to be successful: privacy and control. For a predator, it's less appealing to try to control two people, and the buddy system certainly eliminates privacy.

- If something feels wrong, it is wrong. Trust your gut instincts and intuition.
Leave present company, don't get in the car, depart from the party -- politely dismiss yourself from whatever situation you're not comfortable with and head for safe ground.

- Your voice is a weapon, use it. Video from recent abductions in parking lots during broad daylight show the victims never screamed. If you feel threatened remove yourself from the situation. If you cannot do that, your voice becomes very valuable. Use it to scream for help. Predators hate attention.

- Know where your teens are. If something happens, you'll need to know where to look for them. Convey to teens that this will not diminish their independence. In fact, it will gain your trust.